Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body