[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.