Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’