COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Don’t make me out nice you.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.