They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing