After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
SCARY COSTUME
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active