Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.