Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
#DesignFail
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse