When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
tell em, edith-anne
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.