Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms