If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?