If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.