[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Who’s your best friend?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”