My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
me refusing to leave twitter
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people