[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.