You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
You Might Also Like
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
the clam before the storm
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes