A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
For anyone who needs this today
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.