I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Beauty and the Beast
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.