Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
You Might Also Like
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho