Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The USS B port
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.