Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
And bowling should be called pinball
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.