I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Pringles
The cashier just checked me out.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*