Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’