My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
When they try to steal your moment.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”