My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”