jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.