The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
This is a true ally.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone