[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Cool shirt 🙂
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
nobody:
90’s boybands:
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