When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.