Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*