I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.