“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*