A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Spring cleaning checklist…
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?