So that’s what we looked like?
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.