oh ffs josh did you not read the email
You Might Also Like
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
reduce, reuse, recycle
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.