In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Canada has crack?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I enjoy a good short stor
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.