It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.