High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I have no passwords left in me
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.