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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.