My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
It’s the weekend y’all
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
You know…for fall…
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*