Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.