So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.