Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The struggle is real.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.