I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
We found love in a hopeless place.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.