Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Kermit goes Blue.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face