I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN