When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.