My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads