Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
motivation
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”