Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Breaking news:
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.